I have surrendered.
I have truly let go.
I sink deep down into the water.
Looking up through the fluid scape of light and shadow,
I watch my life pass before me as I sink
deeper and deeper beneath the cold lake.
I see my husband and children pass before me.
Everyone I love is dead and gone.
What more is there for me?
I am ready to die.
And so, I slip beneath the silvery blue waters,
merging into the blackness
until the last of the bubbles escape my lips.
I dissolve right back into the primordial soup of creation.
Right back onto God’s black canvas-
The ultimate and ever-changing masterpiece of evolution.
Once again the “I” becomes one with infinite wisdom
Of everything, everywhere.
I am freed from the cage that was the body!
“I” is nowhere to be found,
Undulating in the waves of the velvety black ocean.
“I” rests in the contiguous continuum of awareness once again.
Resonance, vibration, wave upon endless wave
Rolling through infinite space and time,
Lulling the senses,
And pulling any sense of self deeper into the void.
Lost… sleepy… drifting…
Like old beechwood upon the water.
A murmur beckons from beyond,
A feeling like drumming at the gates at the edge of awareness.
Is it my own voice I hear singing, or that of a sparrow?
It is my own, and the knocking is my heart beating inside my chest.
My body feels like I’ve been washed up to shore after weeks on the ocean.
A little tired, a little thirsty and weak, but no worse for the wear.
The sun a blazing God in the sky.
I squint these eyes, they feel like watery globes playing tricks on me.
But I can see!
And I can taste the salty residue on my lips,
And I , and I , and I….
I was once, no, I am still awareness peering out of from beyond this from.
A play of formless dancing within this vessel.
I am, and awareness is living in me.
If I do a cartwheel in the sand, what does awareness feel?
A swirling kaleidoscope of
If I listen to the mountains sing, what does awareness feel?
A Vibration of chords,
The ancient’s never-ending crescendo of
SPLENDOR and MAJESTY!
This is life living through my choices.
This is living embodied awareness.
This is dying for the sake of dying.
And living for the sake of living.
Carrie Spencer, September 2017